ecstasy wasn’t even in my vocabulary…

unless i was @ an EDM show.

now i fucking say it. think it. ALL Of The Time.
have you ever had a word. a feeling. a something something-
come IN so big and bold and WOW?!

but there's a story.
a slow waking.
a long path.
FULL of questions and uncomfortable convos.

like many of us-
my first sexual experiences were nowhere near consensual.
and that laid the foundation for my life of:
feeling like my pussy was inherently broken.

i do remember discovering my clit for the first time.
god, i was in fucking college.
did i never touch myself?
my first orgasm was in college too.
on the top bunk. with my then BF.

i landed early in a looooooong relationship
26 years.
i started on my healing journey early in that relationship
and all of the memories and awarenesses flooded in
of my early experiences.

as the years passed in my marriage
the pile of unsaid things grew higher
(tho i didn't realize it until after i left)
it created a gap in communication
which lead to a gap in connection
which lead to......a complete lack of intimacy.

my 'broken' pussy was ACTUALLY a lack of intimacy~
(mind blown emoji)

to me-
the boiled down definition of intimacy:
the depth of closeness that happens when you open
to TRUE connection & communication ๐Ÿ™‚
a willingness to see and be seen.
hear and be heard-
to not be defensive OR take things personally.

yea. that's a pretty big definition.

in my current relationship
Intimacy is our norm.
Hi Norm!
And It Is A TOTALLY New Experience For Me.

i love it AND it's fucking uncomfortable sometimes.
it's taken me some time to actually put words to things.
to not feel like i need to-
internalize EVERYTHING.
fix it within myself

do you know how it feels to blame yourself for EVERYTHING?!
(barf emoji x 100. it sux)
my mental/emotional habits still want to automatically go there sometimes-
but it's getting better ๐Ÿ™‚ #PRACTICE.

so- from Broken. to Numb (we'll get to that). to Ecstatic.
YES it's possible.
can i get a Hell YEA?!!