Dee Elle’s Writings
sometimes i’m sweating
and sometimes i'm cold.i'm having strange cravings.spoonfuls of olive oil. nutritional
the glass is everywhere
i broke thru the crustand the shards are everywherei feel
something just AirDropped in to my BloodStream-
this hormone ride is an absolute TRIP.i woke yesterdayfeeling fine.then-
what to do about estrogen?
holy fuck i wonder what the hell is happening to me
ecstasy wasn’t even in my vocabulary…
unless i was @ an EDM show.
now i fucking say it. think it. ALL Of The Time.
have you ever had a word. a feeling. a something something-
come IN so big and bold and WOW?!
but there's a story.
a slow waking.
a long path.
FULL of questions and uncomfortable convos.
like many of us-
my first sexual experiences were nowhere near consensual.
and that laid the foundation for my life of:
feeling like my pussy was inherently broken.
i do remember discovering my clit for the first time.
god, i was in fucking college.
did i never touch myself?
my first orgasm was in college too.
on the top bunk. with my then BF.
i landed early in a looooooong relationship
26 years.
i started on my healing journey early in that relationship
and all of the memories and awarenesses flooded in
of my early experiences.
as the years passed in my marriage
the pile of unsaid things grew higher
and
(tho i didn't realize it until after i left)
it created a gap in communication
which lead to a gap in connection
which lead to......a complete lack of intimacy.
my 'broken' pussy was ACTUALLY a lack of intimacy~
(mind blown emoji)
to me-
the boiled down definition of intimacy:
the depth of closeness that happens when you open
to TRUE connection & communication 🙂
a willingness to see and be seen.
hear and be heard-
to not be defensive OR take things personally.
yea. that's a pretty big definition.
in my current relationship
Intimacy is our norm.
Hi Norm!
And It Is A TOTALLY New Experience For Me.
i love it AND it's fucking uncomfortable sometimes.
it's taken me some time to actually put words to things.
to not feel like i need to-
internalize EVERYTHING.
fix it within myself
do you know how it feels to blame yourself for EVERYTHING?!
(barf emoji x 100. it sux)
my mental/emotional habits still want to automatically go there sometimes-
but it's getting better 🙂 #PRACTICE.
so- from Broken. to Numb (we'll get to that). to Ecstatic.
YES it's possible.
can i get a Hell YEA?!!
Let’s Start From The Beginning…
the beginning was an ending.
but isn't it always?
in 2020-
i left my marriage.
moved out.
my younger son was still in high school.
i moved in to a place by MYSELF for a few months
(for the first time EVER)
and spent much of that time in the fetal position.
it's also when my pussy (and everything else)
started to wake the F up.
for quite some time (like years)
i felt i was missing something.
so i went on a quest to FIND it.
what the IT was- i wasn't yet sure.
but i knew part of it had to do with my sexuality
and the question(s):
what IS love?
what is being IN love vs. loving?
i wasn't sure i knew what these were.
i asked many people what it all meant to THEM.
i asked sooooo many questions.
i never (& still haven't) stopped asking questions.
living on my own for the first time brought new challenges.
i no longer had a fuck buddy-
i felt lucky to have had a man who was always game
but i certainly WASN'T-
(aka broken and numb pussy. we'll get to that)
during that time
lots of -mind blown emoji- info
dropped into my life-
jade eggs. orgasms beyond the clit.
and oh, so much more.
i committed to a 30 day self-pleasuring journey.
wow. i had no idea how numb i was.
AND
what my insides actually felt like.
what the HELL?!
i'm just NOW feeling my cervix?
fucking A.
and THAT was what started to crack me OPEN
-literally- haha
i ALSO knew for fucking sure
that i needed to experience a relationship with a man who could COMMUNICATE.
fast forward . . .
in being faced with my newly awakening (and horny) self
a friend suggested i check out dating sites.
omg.
the last time i was single
did they even EXIST?
i fully freaked at that thought
but searched HARD to find a site
where all of the men weren't holding: fish and/or a beer.
(no judgement)
i landed on Spiritual Singles.
bumped out my radius to THE ENTIRE WORLD
met some quality men
and had some fab adventures 🙂
then i landed on a guy who was close
(4-5 hours ish close)
there was a video of him dancing on his profile.
i wanted to connect- in some way- w the dancing man.
i reached out but never heard from him.
until i did.
months later.
we connected immediately- like really connected.
met in person 10 days later.
and now we're almost @ a year + half 🙂
after 26 years of marriage
some might wonder WHY the HELL i would
jump in to another relationship?
i was ready.
it/he felt/feels amazing.
he could (and can) fucking communicate
and not just thru words (talking)
but thru writing. touch. ahhhhhhh. dreamy.
that's only part of the magic.
